At the beginning of 2013, piled a list that included 1,034 predictions for ing year. I later went through and narrowed it down to the top 500 that I was absolutely certain would happen. Even after cutting the list down, though, I only managed to achieve a 67% accuracy rate. (Unfortunately, I forgot to post that list in public so it is difficult to verify. You’ll just have to take my word for it.)

This year, in an attempt to get 100% correct, I’ve cut my list of predictions to the ones that I’m absolutely sure e true. Here are 14 can’t-miss predictions for 2014:

• Agricultural subsidies e under increased scrutiny after the discovery that soylent green, one of the America’s most heavily subsidized crops, is people.

• The mainstream media’s fascination with Pope Francis will end after they discover that the Pope is indeed still Catholic.

• An existential crisis brought on by constant criticism will cause the fact-checking organization Polifact to change it’s name to Pilatefact and it’s slogan to “What is truth?”

• A rogue architect will use dynamite to blow up the Cortlandt Homes housing project.

• The United Nations will be the subject of another scandal after it’s discovered that no-bid contracts were offered to Halliburton for the purchase of the UN’s fleet of Black Helicopters.

• Congress fails to pass an immigration reform bill. Hungry, job-less workers, with no discernible skills or ability to speak our language will continue to pour in from Canada.

• Buoyed by thesuccessful launch of HealthCare.gov,HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius announces the launch of the Affordable Email Act (aka Obamamail). Americans will be forced to choose their email provider based on“metal plans” (Bronze – AOL, Silver – Hotmail, Gold – Compuserve).

•Iraq will officially change the country’s name back to ‘Babylon’ in a successful attempt to freak out pre-millennial dispensational Evangelicals.

• A bipartisan coalition of Democrats and Republicans agree to filibuster a proposed bill only to discover that the Tea Party caucus was not introducing new legislation but merely reading the text of the U.S. Constitution.

• After selecting “Twerking” as their Word of the Year, the Oxford English Dictionary pronounces the officialdeath of the English language

• Peter Jackson will announce he’s begun filming a 12-hour version ofThe Silmarillion in order plete his lifelong ambition of ruining every book written byJ. R. R. Tolkien.

• Acton research fellow Jordan Ballor will win the 2014 Wolfgang Musculus Award for being the only person alive who has heard of Wolfgang Musculus.

• After a close mid-term race, President Obama will narrowly win re-election.

• For the 61st year in a row, political activists will once again attempt to immanentize the eschaton.